Rachel's Letter: Dear nonexistent Mother
by DestinysWinterRose
Summary: Rachel's letter to her mother about not being in her life.. "Do you ever think of me?When it's my birthday do you remember what the day is?There is not a single birthday that has passed when I do not cry thinking of you.Do you miss me?"A Powerful read R


_When Rachel discovered her mother the episode had a big effect on me as I was adopted. Here are a few thoughts Rachel's character may have had, ideas I know I used to have. Hope you enjoy this perspective and understand an adopted child's point of view if you are not adopted, and maybe relate if you are. PLEASE REVIEW._

_Disclaimer – Glee and the Bonnie Tyler lyrics do not belong to me._

**Rachel's letter: Dear non-existent mother...**

Dear Mom,

I don't know if you will know me, if you will remember me or even want to think of me. But my name is Rachel, I'm 17 and I'm ...well, I'm your daughter.

I'm not even sure what to write, and there is no guarantee you will ever read this, but you need to know how I feel, the ever lasting imprint you left on my heart. This is going to come out all garbled, and that is so unlike me! Where to start? There is so much in my head.

Do you ever think of me and wonder where I am? When it's my birthday do you remember what day it is? There is not a single birthday that has passed when I do not cry and think of you. Do you miss me? Do you hate me? Honestly, I'm scared of ever hearing the answers to my own questions. To be rejected again, I don't think my heart could survive that. It would certainly be a test of my strength.

Am I really such a horrid person that from the first moment you saw me, you didn't want me? What did I do that was so spiteful to deserve to be abandoned, dropped from your arms like I never mattered. I'm sorry that I was such an inconvenience to your life. I'm sorry you couldn't love me.

You never have to _say_ you love me, and I understand that you won't. It would just be nice to have you close to me, be able to see your face and know who you are. If you want, you don't have to know me forever, just see my face once and call me your little girl. I'll understand, or at least I'll try if you then want to leave me again.

I hate you! Hate you for not needing me like I need you. Hate you for not holding me when I cry. Hate you for carrying on with your life, like I just never existed. But most of all I hate you for making me love you still, make me wonder about you every day, make me sit and cry against my bed. Alone.

I often find myself wondering if I look like you and if my life would be different now with you in it. Do you think we are similar?

I'm at school doing very well; I am even the lead female vocalist in our Glee club. I hope that makes you proud. We have had some tough times in the glee club Mom, this lady Shelby and her glee club has almost ruined everything! If you were here I bet you would show them, right? Stand up for me I mean, as any mother would I guess. I like this boy at school, Finn, but he doesn't want me. I wish so hard that you were here so I could talk to you, so you could hold me and tell me everything will be alright. I don't have a mom for that, not like everyone else. I watch girls with their mums, see them sat in the crowd at every recital they are ever in, looking like no one else matters to them in the whole world. But when I scan the crowd, there is no one for me; no one is looking for me.

I get slushy drinks thrown in my face at school. People hate me and all I want is to be liked, maybe even loved. It must be true, that I'm just an awful person that doesn't deserve to be loved. You did well to get out when you did, save yourself the disappointment. So, I don't blame you for leaving me, I would probably do the same. I miss knowing you Mom, you have missed so much ... we both have. One day I will be a star.

Do you think you could ever love me; after all I am yours to love. I've never searched for you, mostly because I'm scared what I will find. The scene where we meet plays over and over in my mind, seeing you smile and run to hug me, saying that you missed me and never want to leave me. You'll give up forever just to hold me one more time. But that's just in my head, swirling images of what should be. If we ever meet in the street, we will be strangers. You will not recognise me, as I won't recognise you. But that will never stop me looking for you in every mother I see.

Stay perfect in my mind as the angel you are. I'll rebuild those walls between me and you so I won't hurt anymore. So I won't wonder anymore. There will always be a part of me needing you, I always will but I know that you won't come when I call out to you. As Bonnie Tyler sang:

" _I need you now tonight  
And I need you more than ever  
And if you'll only hold me tight  
We'll be holding on forever  
And we'll only be making it right  
Cause we'll never be wrong together  
We can take it to the end of the line  
Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time  
I don't know what to do and I'm always in the dark.."_

I don't know what else to say to you. Where are you now? Are you happy? Just know that you are always in my heart and in my thoughts forever ... Mom.

There will always be a part of me that will love you unconditionally,

Your daughter, Rachel. X x x x x X


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